21

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath."
- Dave Barry - "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"

22

"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
- Dave Barry

23

"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes."
- Dave Barry

24

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

25

"Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?"
- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

26

"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
- Dave Barry

27

"So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes..."
- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

28

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony."
- John Barrymore

29

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

30

"Busy yourselves with this , you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto."
- John Barrymore - US Actor, on throwing a fish at a noisy audience

31

"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible."
- Bernard Baruch

32

Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

33

"I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40."
- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot.

34

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
- Paul Beatty

35

"Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night."
- Candice Bergen

36

"That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop."
- Brendan Behan - said to the nun nursing him on his deathbed

37

"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned."
- Bo Belinsky - Baseball pitcher

38

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment."
- Robert Benchley

39

"Streets full of water. Please Advise."
- Robert Benchley - US humorist - Telegram to his editor on arriving in Venice.

40

"One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery."
- Robert Benchley - Describing an office shared with Dorothy Parker